im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Randomize
