I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
