I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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