It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
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i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
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You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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