it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
