you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
