HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
