Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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