I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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