I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
