NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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