How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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