Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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