have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My day in three words: secret purse cake
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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