If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My ass is underappreciated
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
