do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
