Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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