smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
