he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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