She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
