Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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