Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
