So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
