All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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