Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
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