And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
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