I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
