What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
