I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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