the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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