I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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