We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
