I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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