o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
