people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
