My room smells like vodka and shame
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
