If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
