I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
