I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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