my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
