I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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