Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
you never un-have a 4some
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
