I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She's the barista slut.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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