Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
