She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
