there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
that may or may not have been my penis.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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