Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
