True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
