Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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