Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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