I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
