my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
