My nipple is on Facebook.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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