im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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