That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
