There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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