Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
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There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
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What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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