New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
And then my night got REAL pukey
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
