I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
