Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I stole a fireplace last night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
